Reaching Through the Fog: Connecting with a Loved One Who Has Dementia

There is a particular ache that comes with watching someone you love slip into the haze of dementia. It’s not always sudden. Often, it’s a slow drifting—a missed word here, a confused glance there, a question asked again just moments after the answer. The person you knew is still there, but the way you reach them has changed.

But here’s the hopeful truth: connection is still possible. And it matters—deeply. Whether through a quiet moment, a shared smile, or the simple touch of a hand, those flickers of recognition and emotion are still there. They may not remember your name, but they often remember how you make them feel.

So how do we connect with a loved one who has Alzheimer’s or dementia? And how can we help children and grandchildren do the same?

The Language of Emotion

Words may fade, but emotion lives on.

One of the most powerful things to understand about dementia is that while memory and language may deteriorate, emotional memory can linger long after cognitive abilities decline. This means your loved one may forget facts but still respond to feelings—comfort, joy, love, safety.

A warm tone of voice, gentle eye contact, and calm presence can communicate more than conversation ever could. Sitting beside someone and simply being there—without needing to “fix” or explain—can be deeply meaningful.

In many cases, music is a bridge. A familiar song from their youth can light up the brain in extraordinary ways. You might be surprised to hear someone who struggles to speak hum along to lyrics from decades ago. It’s not magic—it’s memory embedded deep in the emotional centers of the brain.

Let the Moment Be Enough

It’s natural to want to help your loved one remember. To correct them gently, to remind them of what they’ve forgotten. But sometimes, this only increases confusion and frustration.

Instead, consider joining their world. If your mother believes she needs to pick up her children from school—though they are grown adults—ask her what they’re like. Smile and go with her there. Be present in her reality.

Validation and redirection, rather than correction, often lead to more peaceful and meaningful interactions. You don’t need to orient her to the date or place every time. What she truly needs is reassurance that she is safe, valued, and not alone.

The Role of Children: A Special Kind of Connection

Children often bring a sense of light and innocence that adults can’t replicate. And surprisingly, older adults with dementia can respond positively to the uncomplicated, loving energy that children naturally offer.

While young children may not fully understand the disease, they can understand kindness. And you can help guide the interaction in a way that feels safe and fun for both generations.

Reading books together, sharing snacks, drawing pictures, or even just sitting and holding hands—these simple acts can create moments of connection. The pressure to “remember” disappears, and what’s left is presence.

Explain to children that Grandma or Grandpa’s brain works a little differently now. They may forget things or say something silly, but they still love them—and they still feel love in return. Kids are often more adaptable than we think.

Memory Isn’t the Only Way to Know Someone

Even if your loved one can’t recall your shared history, they are still themselves. Their personality, their quirks, their laughter—it all remains in some form.

Try reconnecting through activities that don’t rely on memory. Looking at photo albums together (even if they can’t name everyone), folding laundry side by side, feeding the birds, or listening to nature sounds—these sensory, non-verbal experiences can spark joy and calm.

Touch is another powerful tool. Holding a hand, offering a light shoulder massage, or brushing their hair can provide comfort and build trust. It’s a way of saying, “I’m here. You matter.”

Let Go of Expectations—But Not Hope

Caring for someone with dementia is not linear. Some days are lucid. Others are not. There may be tears, silence, confusion—or moments of surprising clarity and laughter. Allowing yourself (and your loved one) to move through these moments without judgment is part of the journey.

What matters most is not whether they remember what you did together that day. It’s that you were there. You showed up. You loved them, even as the map between you shifted.

It’s also okay to grieve. To feel the loss, even while the person is still physically here. But don’t let that grief keep you from noticing the beauty that remains. There are still good days. Still good moments.

And often, it’s the simplest ones that linger in the heart.

Sources:

• Alzheimer's Association. (2024). Dementia Caregiving and Communication. https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/daily-care/communications

• National Institute on Aging. (2023). Caring for a Person with Alzheimer's Disease: Your Easy-to-Use Guide. https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/caring-person-alzheimers-disease

• Mayo Clinic. (2023). Alzheimer's disease: How to connect and communicate. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/alzheimers-disease/in-depth/alzheimers/art-20048318

• Dementia Australia. (2022). Children and dementia: Helping kids understand. https://www.dementia.org.au